I Don't Feel it Anymore
by agentdouble0negative2
Summary: Stiles has something to share with Derek.
1. I don't feel it anymore

Derek entered his apartment and is shocked to Stiles there, considering the teen said he would be having a guys' night with Scott. Immediately Derek can sense something is wrong. Stiles is rolling off a wave of emotions: anxiety, fear and nervousness. The lycan sets his keys down on the keys down on the kitchen counter his back to the teen, "Stiles, why do I have this feeling I'm not going to like this conversation."

Stiles intakes a deep breathe. "I-I…well-"

_Hold on this will hurt more than anything has before__  
><em>_What it was, what it was, what it was  
><em>  
>"I…I..something happened between me and Danny"<p>

Derek slammed his fist down on the counter tap, a crack appearing on the granite and causing Stiles to jump. "When?" the lycan growled out

"It's," Stiles breathed out "It's been going on for a while."

_I've brought this on us more than anyone could ignore__  
><em>_What I've done, what I've done, what I've done_

"How long?" the older man growled out.

Stiles let out a shaky breathe. "Three days"

Derek walked away, his eyes flashed blue as he tried to keep the wolf at bay. He didn't want to wolf out in front of Stiles, if he did it meant he lost control. He didn't want to lose control and as much as he wanted to dominate the teen, to show him his place, he couldn't. He loved him too much.

"Der," Stiles called out, panic evident in his tone

Derek turned around, and his eyes were shut tight. "Don't call me that."

"Sounds fair."

"Just, God, Stiles why!"

_I've worked for so long just to see you mess around__  
><em>_What you've done, what you've done, what you've done_

Stiles backed up his breathing hitched in his throat. Derek was crying. The older man's shoulder shook as he tried to keep himself composed.

"I don't understand Stiles we've been together for almost a year. And we went through a hell of a lot to get to where we are now!"

"I..I don't-"

"Stiles, God damn it, I didn't go the whole nine yards for you to say I don't know!" Derek growled out

_I want back the years that you took when I was young__  
><em>_I was young, I was young, but it's done_

"I know, Derek I know," Stiles whimpered out.

"So when you were with Scott last week, were you with him?"

Stiles didn't need to answer, his heartbeat gave it away and Derek could feel the guilt that entered the atmosphere.  
>Stiles didn't know what else to say and he watched as Derek broke down. The lycan let out a frustrated growl, his eyes flashed blue as his fist connected with the wall. Stiles jumped a stream of I'm sorry escaped his mouth as Derek let out an anguish cry.<p>

_Oh take it all away__  
><em>_I don't feel it anymore__  
><em>_Oh take it all away__  
><em>_Oh take it all away__  
><em>_I don't feel it anymore__  
><em>_Oh take it all away_

"Derek," Stiles whimpered approaching the older man.

"I was starting to think Stiles, I really thought that you were the one."

"What do you mean, were, Derek, what are you saying."

"I thought you were my Mate, the one I was going to be spending forever with."

"Derek, I am!"

Derek let out another growl this time shocking the both of them. He rammed Stiles into the wall behind them, his fist nearly missing the teens head as it connected with the wall. Stiles let out a small cry and Derek he let him go, fist clenched at his side.

_We'll fall just like stars being hung by only string__  
><em>_Everything, everything, here is gone_

"Not anymore." Derek whimpered as he walked away.

"But Derek, it didn't mean anything!" Stiles cried out.

"Doesn't matter"

_No map can direct how to ever make it home__  
><em>_We're alone, we're alone, we're alone_

"Der," Stiles whimpered out.

"You still don't have the privilege to call me that"

"Derek-"

"I'm going out for a smoke, you know the habit you helped me kick."

Stiles nodded. "Yeah"

"I kept my word Stiles, I kept a packet but I never touched it, I guess I have reason too."

"This doesn't have to be a reason for you to"

"I have every reason to, I need this pain to go away, and Stiles, I always came to you to help take it away"

Stiles didn't say anything as he watched Derek grab his keys and stuffing his jacket pockets with a lighter and a packet of cigarettes. "You know what I can't shake is the fact that I still love you but this time I don't think you can take away my pain."

"I still love you Derek, I do"

Derek ignored the comment. "I don't think you'll be able to make it go away Stiles because this time you were the one who caused it."  
><em><br>Oh take it all away__  
><em>_I don't feel it anymore__  
><em>_Oh take it all away_


	2. I want to, but I can't

**Hey guys, I really wasn't going to update because I didn't know how it would go if I did continue. But as I was sitting in my hotel room and having a drink I was hit with an epiphany. So here we go.**

**Oh I forgot to mention this in the last chapter but I used a song. That song was  
>I Don't Feel it Anymore by William Flitzsimmons.<br>It's an awesome song, very emotional.**

**Thanks a bunch to you awesome reviewers.**

**Oh I don't own the nickname Der, I remember it seeing it somewhere else and it kind of just stuck in my head as I was writing. And it kind of fitted in the situation. So whoever thought of that was a genius.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Wolf. I don't own the characters. I wish I did.  
>Well I technically own a ¼ of Derek since in here he's doing something that I don't think he'd really do. <strong>

The sun was starting to set in Beacon Hills, Derek Hale was currently sitting on a park bench staring onto the horizon. Cigarettes littered the ground around his feet, his sixth cigarette was placed between his middle and forefinger. He went to bring the white stick to his lips but stopped himself as a memory flashed in his mind.  
><em><br>"Derek, why are there cigarettes hidden in the drawer?_

_"I don't know."_

_Stiles sent the lycan a look. "Der, I don't need werewolf abilities to know you're lying."_

_"Okay, they're mines and I only use them when I'm stressed or upset."_

_"They can kill you, you know."_

_"I'm a werewolf remember."_

_Stiles crossed his arms. "I don't give a shit, they need to go."_

_"Really, are you-"_

_"Derek," Stiles said in a stern voice as if he was talking to a two year old._

_Derek groaned. "Really"_

_Stiles crossed the room and placed a gentle kiss on the lycan's lips. "Please, Derek, it's not going to kill you to talk to me, I'm here for you, I want to be the one that makes your pain go away."_

_"Yeah, but I don't want you to think different of me."_

_"I won't you're still going to be my bad ass demeanor of a boyfriend and plus it's okay to be emotional."_

_"Okay, but don't throw them away because I want the temptation to be there to test me every day."_

_"Deal, and if you do smoke one I'll know."_

The older man shook his head and threw the cigarette on the ground and with a growl stomped on it. No matter how much he wanted to he couldn't bring himself to smoke himself into oblivion. He had already tore through five and each one he lit, had met the same fate as the first, thrown on the ground and put out. He couldn't bring himself to inhale the nicotine laced smoke.

Reaching into his pocket he fiddled around and brought out another. _This one, this is the one_, he thought._ Lucky number seven_. Fishing into his pocket he brought out his lighter, lighting that one up he brought the stick to his lips. Another memory flashed in his mind.

_"DEREK HALE!"_

_Derek jumped banging his head on the hood of Stiles' jeep. "What Stiles?" he called after recovering from the blow he just took._

_"Care to tell me what this is?" the teen demanded showing Derek a pack of cigarettes_

_"Stiles, dear," Derek said, "It's a pack of cigarettes."_

_"Har, har, don't mock me," Stiles growled, "Why is there one missing!"_

_Derek jumped in realization. "Oh, co-worker needed one, so I gave him one."_

_Stiles took two big steps till he was face to face and chest to chest with his boyfriend. He stared into Derek's eyes looking for anything that would indicate that the older man was lying. "Swear."_

_"Stiles, I swear."_

_Stiles let out a sigh. "I'm sorry baby, I'm just- "_

_Derek growled playfully as he shoved Stiles onto the hood of his camero. "It's okay, I kind of like it when you take charge and go all alpha on me."_

_Stiles grinned. "I should do it more often."_

_Derek growled again as he leaned down and bit the teen softly on his neck. "Yeah, but don't you forget I will always be the alpha."  
><em>

Derek let out a frustrated growl as he threw the cigarette to the ground. He wanted too so much, but he just couldn't. "DAMN IT STILES WHY!" he cried out.

"Well that answers my question," a voice said.

"Go away Scott."

"Sorry can't, Stiles called and took me a while to understand him because he was hyperventilating and close to having a panic attack."

Derek's heart stopped for a moment, recalling a conversation about Stiles having panic attacks after his mom had passed. This was the night that Derek had told Stiles about his family, mainly Laura. "Is he okay," Derek whispered.

"Yeah, he's okay now, he's calm, still on edge but breathing normally."

Derek nodded as he fished into his pockets for another cigarette. Scott sat down next to the older werewolf and watched in interest. Derek jammed the cigarette between his lips as he brought the lighter up, his hand shaking. "Derek, want help?" Scott asked.

"No, I got it," Derek mumbled.

Derek's fingers fumbled, his hand shaking uncontrollably, he let out a frustrated growl as the lighter fell to the ground. The cigarette followed and he let out an angry and sad cry. Scott jumped and was at a loss of words, Derek was rarely emotional, and in fact he didn't think he'd seen him upset. "Derek," the teen said his hand resting on Derek's shoulder.

"I can't, I can't do it," Derek rambled out, "I want to so much but I just can't because it'll disappoint him and I-I…I don't want to and damn it I-fuck well I shouldn't give a flying shit about what he thinks after what he did."

Scott nodded, his hand falling from Derek's shoulder but the werewolf's hand reached over and kept it there. Derek let out a shaky breathe, tears threatening to fall from his eyes. Scott winced, as he felt the waves of anguish coming from his older werewolf "brother." Derek in took a breathe, "I love him so much, I still love him, I can't, no matter how hard I try, I can't be mad at him but at the same time I am."

"Yeah," Scott said really unsure on how to handle the situation.

"Do you know what happened?"

"I think this is a conversation for you and Stil-"

In a flash Scott was in the ground, blue eyes staring into brown. Even though it shocked the teen he was happy to see that Derek was somewhat back to himself. "Scott," Derek growled out.

"Derek," Scott said.

"Scott, I'm an emotional mess and I really, really would like an explanation."

Scott sighed. "I know but I really think that this is a conversation for you and Stiles."

Derek growled. "I don't want to talk about it with him."

"Really?" Scott said amused, "then tell me why you spent the last hour lighting up cigarettes and not smoking them."

Derek resumed his position on the bench and Scott followed and resumed his position next to the older werewolf. Derek reached into his pocket and pulled out another cigarette, "Because, I thought that I could"

"Okay, well why can't you?"

"Because, I don't want them to take my pain away, I want Stiles too." Derek whimpered out.

"Then let him," Scott said. 

"How can I," Derek roared out, "I can't Scott I can't, I want to but I can't because…well fuck- and Goddamn it- he was the one who caused, how do you, I can't-"

Derek couldn't finish, Scott had pulled the werewolf into a hug and Derek flinched at the action. Scott didn't let go and that's when Derek totally lost it. The older werewolf's left hand reached up to return the hug. Tears fell from his eyes as his right hand reached up to his Scott on the chest, "I can't talk to him when he was the one that caused it," he let out.

-

**This really doesn't follow the story line, most likely won't, or maybe. I may use some ideas and scenes from it but I wanted to go at a different angle. Write from a different take/view. Plus I like the idea of writing the characters differently. **


	3. Backtrack to Stiles

**Hey guys, thanks for the reviews, greatly appreciated.**

This is unbeta'd

**Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Wolf nor do I own the characters. **

Chapter 3: Backtrack to Stiles

Stiles watched with a heavy heart as Derek walked out the front door. His mind still reeling from the conversation they just had. The last words that Derek said to him echoing in his mind, _I don't think you'll be able to make it go away Stiles because this time you were the one who caused it. _Panic set in and hit Stiles like a truck. Derek wasn't happy and it looked like he was determined to smoke himself into oblivion and Stiles didn't want that to happen.

He had worked hard to get Derek to kick the habit and open up to him. Derek rarely showed his emotional side and really didn't want too. He was more of the, I'll kick your ass if you cross me kind of guy. A couple of times, Stiles had seen the werewolf break down. One was when they were talking about their parents. The one that hit Derek the most was when they were talking about Laura. The moment now, well it clearly showed that Derek was capable of being torn into an emotional mess.

Stiles quickly brought out his cell phone, his fingers shaking as he searched for his Scott's name. He became frustrated when he couldn't find but then he remembered he put it under bro. Stiles was having a guy' night with Scott. When Scott had come over to Stiles' house, the young werewolf immediately noticed something was off. That's when Stiles told Scott everything, to which Scott said "You have to tell Derek."

_Look where it got me._The teen thought as he hit the send button. No answer. Stiles tried again, it went straight to voicemail. Stiles felt a wave of anxiety wash over him and his breathing becoming erratic. Suddenly his phone rang and Stiles answered it immediately and was greeted with Scott saying, "Stiles, you're supposed to be-"

Stiles didn't let him finish, "Scott…I…and-Der-and oh god…I..well..he-he…damnit he didn't take it too well, I mean-what kind of idiot would.. I..be.. and oh Scott I'm such a dumbass."

"Stiles, calm down, and say it again."

Stiles whimpered, tears threating to fall from his eyes. "I told him."

"Okay, what happened?"

"Scott, he walked out and oh shit…I lost ..him..I-I…lost him," Stiles couldn't finish.

_I lost him_. The thought repeated in his head over and over. I mean there was no way the werewolf was going to forgive him. He walked out, Stiles had said he still loved him but Derek ignored the comment. "Stiles, you there," Scott asked.

Stiles gripped the phone tightly in his hand; his breathes coming in short and filled with gasps, his head spinning. The teen clutched at his chest, the struggle to breathe entered his mind. "STILES!" Scott yelled into the phone "Stiles calm down!"

"Can't," Stiles whined, "I lost him Scott."

"That's not-"

"Damn it Scott!," Stiles cried out, "He walked out…and he…god he was crying and it-it hurt so much to see him in pain…and-and Scott it was all my fault."

Scott wanted to say well _what did you expect_ or of course _he was going to flip out_but that would cause Stiles to skyrocket into a full blown panic attack. Scott winced; even though they were talking on the phone he could tell Stiles was having hard time breathing. "Stiles," Scott said, "Do you want me to come get you?"

"No..I-I have to find him before he..he smokes himself into a coma."

"Stiles, you know he-wait I thought you helped him kick that?" Scott said confused.

"Oh, Scott…I… he said that-" Stiles heart stop as he realized that Derek was going to smoke because of him.

"Stiles, bro calm down," Scott said.

Stiles nodded.

"I'll find him, do me a favor, stay put and calm down," Scott said.

"Kay," Stiles whimpered out.

"Do you have any idea where he could be Stiles?" Scott asked.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

Stiles thought for a moment.  
><em><br>Derek was a few feet in front of him as the two walked the familiar trail to what they dubbed "their" park bench. It was late and Derek had just gotten off of work and told Stiles that he wanted to go for a walk. Stiles was all for it, anything to be around his boyfriend. Usually they walked side by side but Stiles had a plan. After Derek was a good five steps ahead the teen took a running start and jumped on Derek's back. Arms looping around the lycan's neck and legs around the waist._

Derek caught the teen with an oommf and threw a, are you kidding me look over his shoulder. Stiles merely grinned as he tightened his hold and buried his head into his lovers shoulder. "I love you," Stiles mumbled.

Derek smiled, his hands reaching over to hold Stiles' legs, "I love you too."

"_So why are we going for a walk?" Stiles asked. _

_Derek laughed. "What do you mean we, because I'm the one doing the walking, you're just hitching a ride." _

"_I can get off," Stiles offered._

Derek tightened his hold on the teen. "No, don't."

"Exactly, so again, I ask why are we going for a walk?"

"Well, I'm off tomorrow, and you don't have class till late in the afternoon, so I thought, let's sit on our bench and watch the sun set."

"He's at the park," Stiles stated.

"Okay Stiles, but which one?"

"The one that overlooks the city, you know with the gigantic rock."

"Okay, Stiles, I'll go look for him."

"Thanks, Scott."

"You just, calm down and try to relax."

"Alright."

"Stiles, I love you, and you know that I don't think any less of you, yes I'm disappointed and shocked you would do such a thing but I don't hate you okay."

"Thanks, Scott."

"No problem Stiles."


	4. Granite Explanation

**This may or may not be the last chapter. In fact it is the last chapter. But I have another plan in the back of my head.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Wolf or Stiles or Derek.**

**Special thanks to all my reviewers. **

Stiles was seated at the kitchen counter when Derek got home. The lycan set his keys down on the kitchen counter along with the empty packet of cigarettes and his lighter. Derek pulled up a stool and sat across from the teen, eyes focusing on the granite counter. He didn't acknowledge the teen. The conversation he had with Scott replayed in his head.

_"Derek, look, I think you should give him a chance," the young werewolf said._

_"What do you mean, he fucking went behind my back."_

"_Derek, give him a chance to explain himself, at least let him try to-"_

"_No."_

"_Derek, look I know you, I know you well enough to know that no matter how much he hurt you, some part in you wants to listen to him, wants him to be the one that makes it go away." _

_Derek sighed. "Yeah but the other part, wants me to run away."_

_Scott stood up. "Okay fine, throw away your relationship that you've been working on for nearly a year now."_

_Derek growled, his eyes flashing blue. "Don't you dare pin this on me Scott, Stiles was the one that went behind my back!"_

_Scott's eyes flashed gold, "I'm not pinning it on your, nor am I going to pin this on Stiles but are you going to be that big of an idiot-"_

_Scott couldn't finish his sentence; Derek had tackled him to the ground. Both were now in their wolf forms as they wrestled and growled at each other. Derek didn't know how it happened but Scott had him pinned to the ground "Derek, hear me out!" he growled._

"_Get off," Derek growled._

"_No, Derek you listen to me, you need to let Stiles explain himself at least. Yes I know he did something stupid but you'll be making a mistake too if you don't at least hear what he has to say."_

"_Fine, I'll hear what he has to say." _

Derek slid the empty packet towards the teen "I didn't smoke any," the lycan said.

Stiles eyed the empty packet, "But the packets empty."

"Oh I know, I wanted too, but I couldn't, they're in a pile on the park floor"

Stiles nodded.

"Want to know why, I couldn't do it?" Derek asked, finally looking up, his eyes locking with Stiles'.

"Why?"

"The whole entire time I kept on thinking about how much pain it would cause you if I smoked one, how disappointed you'd be if I lit one, how upset you'd be if inhaled the smoke."

"I-I-I'm glad you didn't, you scared me for a minute."

Derek nodded. "But you know another part wanted me too."

Stiles breathing hitched. "Well…I'm glad you chose to ignore that."

"Why'd you do it Stiles?" Derek asked his tone serious but laced with pain.

"I don't know."

"So you're telling me, this thing with Danny," Derek growled speaking the other's teen name as if it was poison, "you did it because you don't know!"

By now Derek's voice had escalated and he stood up, the stool landing on the ground with a thud. Stiles jumped and winced at the loud noise as tears threatened to fall from his eyes. And that's when Derek could feel it, Stiles was lying. Fear was rolling off of the teen along with guilt and nervousness. "Stiles, you tell me right now or I'm walking out on you and I put that on everything in fact I put that on Laura."

Stiles looked up. Laura was family and Derek was devastated at the loss of someone so close to him, someone who was there for him. Stiles knew that because the werewolf had told him. And Stiles also knew that if Derek put anything on Laura, he was dead serious. Stiles took a deep breathe. "The first time it happened it was an accident," the teen breathed.

"Jesus Stiles," Derek whimpered, "so you mean the rest wasn't."

"The second time, I..well it-it just happened, I don't know how but it did, we were arguing over something stupid and before I knew it, he was kissing me and well…I was kissing him back."

"And it didn't register in your brain that you were with me!" Derek cried out.

Stiles didn't say anything which caused Derek to slam his fist down on the granite counter. A loud crack resonated off of the walls causing Stiles to jump. Derek was fighting back tears. "What happened the third time?" the lycan forced out.

Stiles breathed in deeply. "I-I initiated this one."

That's when Derek lost his composure and his ability to think straight, well it was tossed out the window. The stool on the floor flew past Stiles and hit the wall behind him breaking into pieces. "God damn it, WHY!"

"I wasn't thinking!" Stiles cried out.

"Well you clearly weren't thinking about me!" Derek roared "I mean jeez, did you just forget I existed or something!"

"No! Derek of course not."

"I must not be that important!" Derek cried, "For you to kiss him and forget that you were with me at the time."

"But Derek-"

"We're done," Derek chocked out "I can't be with you Stiles, I can't."

"But Derek, it didn't mean anything."

"That is complete bull shit Stiles," Derek growled, "if it didn't mean anything then why did you do it."

"Too see if it did, too see if there was something there."

"Is there?"

Stiles shook his head. "No!" he cried out "Nothing, Derek, you're the one that I love, you're the one I want to be with"

The werewolf shut his eyes and ran his hands over his face, willing the tears to go away. "If you loved me you wouldn't have done what you did."

"Derek-"

"You can stay the night, I'll let you sleep in the bedroom and I'll sleep on the couch," Derek breathed "and in the morning I'm calling Scott, he's going to come and get you."

"No," Stiles whimpered.

"Yes and after that, well I don't want to see you."

"Derek, please."

"I don't want anything to do with you."

Stiles whimpered, "You don't mean that do you?"

"Stiles, I need time to get over you."

"Will you ever forgive me, give me a second chance?" the teen breathed.

Derek made a fist, tears also falling from his eyes, "Over time I'll be able to forgive you but Stiles, no, you lost your chance."

"Der," Stiles whispered "I'm sorry."

"Still can't call me that," Derek whispered.

"I love you Derek," Stiles whimpered.

Derek walked over to Stiles placed a kiss on the teen's forehead. "Goodbye Stiles."


End file.
